How it Should Have Been
by truelovemd
Summary: Here's what I thought should have happened in the episode Time After Time. It's completely merder


Okay, so this is my first fanfic, so please be kind. I apologise for any grammatical errors. I hope you enjoy it and reviews are welcome.

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy and do not have any kind of affiliation with ABC, although if I did I tell you that little skank at the bar would be getting a body slam for even looking at McDreamy.

There it was again, the ringing. With every shrill noise his trailer got smaller. He didn't have to get up to know who was calling. He just turned his head and ignored it as he had done the last several times she called. As soon as the ringing stopped all he could hear in his head was Richard's voice. He still couldn't believe it; the man who was his mentor and at one time considered a friend, had told him point blank that he would not give him his vote, that he had made a promise to Ellis.

A part of Derek understood what it meant to Richard to promise anything to Ellis Grey. He still resented the fact however; that it seemed to him that somehow Ellis had managed to still control things from beyond the grave. The logical part of Derek laughed at himself, because it was absolutely ridiculous to believe that a woman that he had never met before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's was out to ruin his dream. Preposterous, might even seem like a better description, but one part of him remembered how Ellis had looked at him that day she was lucid and accused him of turning Meredith soft and unfocused, and the way that Meredith had tried so desperately to get her mothers approval only to be shot down time and again.

But his concern at this point in time was not about Ellis Grey; no it was about the woman who smelled of lavender and had tiny ineffectual fists that she would use whenever she got annoyed with his teasing or more recently hovering. No matter what, it all came back to her. He had meant it when he told her that this was "their" happily ever after and that he was her knight in shining whatever. But that hadn't been enough to keep her from giving up, and now he was here trying to figure out if he should just follow her example and give up.

For as long as Derek could remember he had one goal in life, and that was to become Chief of Surgery. When Richard had called him all those years ago, it felt as though his dream was in reach; which is why he didn't have a problem with picking everything up and moving to the other side of the country. Of course it didn't hurt that he wanted to get away from Addison and to try and put that life behind him. Now though, it felt like it was a million miles away.

Once again the phone was ringing, but instead of turning his head away to ignore it he got up and walked out the door. Really, what was the point of having all this beautiful land if it couldn't at least distract him from the thoughts plaguing his mind? But it was never that easy as he came to the spot where Meredith and he had sat watching the mist rise off the lake the morning after he had first opened up to her before any of the Addison mess. The way the sun kissed her freckled cheeks and brought out the gold in her hair. She had literally been an angel and he had meant it when he told her later that she had saved him from drowning.

So once again Derek came to the paradox that was Meredith. Before Meredith he had known what he wanted, and he would have done anything to get Chief. But what now? What was he supposed to do when the one thing in his way was the one thing that he had once thought saved him from drowning in the misery that was his life? He wanted to scream in frustration, and howl at the fates for being this cruel.

It wasn't fair; it wasn't supposed to be this hard. It was supposed to be simple; guy meets girl, they fall in love, and have happily ever after. Again he had to laugh at himself as he thought about what their fairy tale involved; guy meets girl at bar, girl kicks guy out of house next morning, turns out guy is girls boss, guy gets girl to start liking him just to have guy's wife show up to ruin it. Then guy chooses wife over girl (even after she had professes her feelings for him), guy continues to pine for girl. Then girl almost gets blown up, has tragic sex that ruins her friendships, guys asks girl to be friends only to call her a whore when he finds out girl is dating guy and girls dogs vet. Then said dog dies and guy chases girl at prom only to corner her in the exam room and have mind blowing sex to be followed by guy's wife finding panties in the jacket pocket and pinning them to the lost and found. Then guy finally admits to girl that he loves her only to tell her that he is being the better man and walking away and when girl tells guy that she chooses him he says "okay" and tells her he needs space. Finally when guy gets act together and gets girl back, girls mother is lucid to tell girl that she is a disappointment and ordinary, and guy that he is making her soft and unfocussed; which results in girl nearly drowning herself in the bathtub, only to have guy rescue her and then later on that same day is rescued again by guy after drowning, and wakes up to the once lucid mother being dead. Yes it would be quite the interesting tale, one that would rival even the most dramatic prime time soap operas. It still brought him back to his point; it wasn't supposed to be this hard, was it?

When Bailey said if it came to an either or person or position, part of him realized something; if the situation had come up before Meredith's accident he would have easily agreed that the person, without question would always come first. But after, that was a different story. A position couldn't just give up and cause you to feel as though the world will end if they don't open their eyes, it can't leave you so anguished that you can't draw another breath without fear of shattering into thousands of pieces. But the person in question could do that and so much more so easily. That was the thought that truly terrified Derek when it came down to it. Sure, right now Meredith was as she put it, bright and shiny and painting with all the colors of the wind; but what happens when something changes. He loved Meredith, but he also knew her and the way that she could embrace the dark and twisty side of things, and that left his blood freezing in his veins. Could he give up a lifelong dream for something that could potentially end in disaster and misery at any time?

The night air was doing nothing to clear his confusion, and adding a chill to his skin so he decided to head back to the trailer, have a shot of scotch and continue to dwell on his dilemma as he so nicely put it. However; Derek should have realized that fate liked to mess with him, I mean how else can one explain his chance meeting with the incredibly drunk, yet sexy blonde at the bar so many years ago that left him feeling as though he had finally come home. But that again was beside the point he told himself, the point was that as soon as he came to the clearing he noticed the jeep that belonged to none other than the woman that had been in his thoughts since his meeting with the Chief this afternoon.

He should have realized that he couldn't avoid her just by ignoring his phone. If there was one thing about Meredith that he knew well enough it was the fact that she had a stubborn streak a mile wide and long when it came to getting something that she wanted, and clearly tonight, she wanted Derek. He took a deep breath to steel himself because his Meredith did not take kindly to being ignored, and he was sure that the moment he opened that door he would be facing her wrath. He thought to himself, here goes nothing as he reached to open the door and step inside.

It took a minute for his eyes to adjust to the light in the trailer, and when they did he had to bite his cheek from laughing. The sight that met him was not one he was expecting, he thought she'd be standing right at the door ready to lay into him about the fact that he hadn't answered her calls; but no, once again Meredith Grey was able to shock him because there she was in his bedroom with a sheet pulled up to her chest and judging by the clothes piled on the floor, naked.

"So, I'm in your bed naked" she stated the obvious and again Derek had to fight the chuckle in his throat. He simply replied "and here I thought you were wearing a parka." She rolled her eyes at him; he loved it when he got any kind of reaction out of her.

"So you see the thing is, I was supposed to be naked in my own bed waiting for this incredibly sexy neurosurgeon to join me but imagine my disappointment when I was stood up, and my frustration when he happened to go M.I.A. on me as well. You know, those things that you can send text messages with, they also work for if you want to call someone and tell them you're going to be late." She simply raised an eyebrow waiting for his response.

"Really, I thought that they would just make a good paper weight." He couldn't help but feel like a jerk because no matter how much she wanted to play it off; he could see it in her face that he had worried her. Any other time Derek would already have made it to the bedroom and been naked in bed with her, but tonight he just stood there motionless, not really sure of what to do. Another minute went by in silence before she spoke again.

"You know, it's getting kind of cold in here and as a doctor I have it on good authority that one of the best ways to keep warm is through body heat, so why don't you come over here and warm your girlfriend up before she goes into hypothermic shock"

As soon as the words were out of her mouth Derek's entire body tensed, all he could see was Meredith blue and ice cold to the touch when he pulled her out of the water. It took a few seconds for him to regain his composure but he realized that as much as he might want to join her, they needed to talk.

"Meredith, we need to talk."

With that phrase Meredith's entire face shifted, from one of gentle humor, to one on worry and uncertainty. She tried to keep the moment light by cracking another joke "you know I'm sure if you're getting too old to keep up, we could get you a prescription for some of those fabulous blue pills." He didn't chuckle, he didn't even smile he just stood there, looking at her, and she was completely unnerved. This wasn't Derek, yes he could be serious but she could usually get him to lighten up. However, tonight he was just serious and it terrified her, because if Meredith knew something about life it was the fact that it just liked to screw with you until you're pushed to the point that you can't take anymore and you do something stupid like giving up and drowning. She sighed as she got up off the bed; sheet clutched to her body and went to grab her discarded clothes. She turned around and went back to the bedroom and closed the door while she changed. As she was in the room changing her clothes she mused to herself; really, what did she expect that life was going to be full of sunshine and rainbows just because she had her epiphany. Of course not life was hard, and brutal especially if your name was Meredith Grey. She wanted to cry, to just curl up into a ball and cry; she didn't want to open that door because she knew, just like Derek had those moments, so did she; that after tonight things were going to be different and right now, here in the bedroom she could lie to herself that everything was fine and they were both just tired, but once she opened that door there was no going back.

When he failed to answer her joke, her face looked like it was going to crumple; and the absurdity of the fact was that she felt she needed to keep herself covered as she grabbed her clothes to return the bedroom and change behind a closed door. Derek had seen Meredith naked, more times than he could count. Hell he remembered suggesting that the rule for his trailer was that Meredith had to be naked at all times. He smiled as he remembered her reaction to that suggestion, "too much nakedness can be a bad thing Derek" she said "didn't you ever watch Seinfeld?" He had to laugh at her then, and then suffered those tiny ineffectual fists punching him in the arm for his laughter.

The reality of the situation brought him back to this moment, to the way that she had looked just lost and exhausted and he hated the fact that he had caused her to look that way. Once again Derek Shepard; or McDreamy, as he was known around the hospital, felt like he was being a complete ass. Part of him knew that he was in the right though; they needed to talk and if he would have went into that bedroom with naked Meredith the only talking would have been Meredith moaning his name, not that it was a bad thing; not at all. Sex was a very, very good thing with them, but he couldn't hide behind anything anymore. Not if he wanted to be Chief. He would have to face everything head on even when it hurt because at the end of the day there had to be a decision.

He looked up as the bedroom door opened, and she emerged. He looked closely at her face, relieved that there were no tears streaks on her cheeks, not yet anyways a little voice inside his head whispered. He quieted it down and turned his attention to the task at hand. "Do you want anything?"

"You said we needed to talk, so let's talk."

"Alright, I'm really not sure where to begin though."

"At the beginning Derek, it's usually the best place to start."

If only it were that simple, he thought, because from where he was standing, he didn't know where it all began just that it lead them to this conversation in this moment. He turned to stand with his back leaning against the counter she hopped up onto the counter opposite to him so she would be almost eye level.

He took a deep breath to begin; "Last week I had my presentation with the board."

"I remember, you said it didn't go to well because you were distracted."

"I was distracted but I didn't tell you what was distracting me," here goes nothing he thought to himself. "You see, Marlowe had this 10 year plan that the chief told us about; so naturally we all proceeded to do the same, well everyone except Mark anyways. But that isn't the point, the point is that when I was trying to come up with this 10 year plan a part of me realized that it's hard to plan that far in advance because you never know what is going to happen."

"That's what life is Derek, one big guessing game, and in my opinion it's the one who survives with the most scars that wins the game."

"But it isn't a game Meredith, that's the point. You can't just decide to pause or restart it; you just have to deal with things as they happen."

She looked at him confused, she didn't get it and he was getting frustrated trying to make her understand. He stood and started pacing, trying to think of how to say this so she would understand. He decided to try another approach.

"You know I had a meeting with the Chief today, and it didn't go exactly how I planned. I told him that I knew I had screwed up the presentation to the board last week, and I wanted to know I had his vote backing me because I need all the support I can get."

As he paused Meredith waited for him to continue until she just prompted him "and he said…"

"He said that he couldn't do that, he couldn't give me his vote because he didn't want me to wind up like him. I tried to argue with him and told him not to put his mistakes on me, that I wasn't him but he just dismissed me. That's when I ran into you this morning."

"Which is why you looked like someone ran over your dog."

"That's one way of putting it. Anyways, this afternoon I went to see him again. I thought if I could reason with him; make him realize that I wasn't him and that I was the best man for the job, then he would agree to back me."

"But he didn't" Meredith said.

"No, he didn't. He told me that he couldn't because he had made a promise to someone, and he wouldn't break it."

"Who would he promise something like that to Derek? I know that he can be hardheaded sometimes, but the Chief seems like a pretty fair man, he should realize that it's your work that should count, not some promise he made."

"He promised your mother Meredith."

She stopped short, her mother; and she didn't realize she voiced her question out loud: "Why would he promise my mother that?"

"Meredith, when your mother was lucid, she asked Richard to make sure you were alright, that you would be taken care of in case she didn't make it." He stopped knowing this was going to be a lot for her to digest.

"That's fine Derek, but what does your being Chief have to do with my being alright?"

"The Chief said that he didn't want to see his mistake happen to us, he didn't want to feel responsible for my getting Chief only to have it hurt you in the end because he said I couldn't have it both ways. One way or the other something will be neglected and it is always the person waiting for you. He didn't want to see you broken by my becoming like him."

"Oh God," she brought her hand to her mouth. She felt sick to her stomach. Derek might not be Chief, and it was because of a stupid promise made to her mother. She felt irrational anger enter her as she thought of her mother and all the ways that she had always ruined Meredith's happiness. But, this one took the cake, because now it was Meredith standing in the way of Derek's dream, and it all made sense to her. Why she had felt like Derek was pulling away, because he was angry and she couldn't blame him. She had known from day one that he wanted to be Chief and now, he might not be.

"So, what does this mean?" She echoed his words to him from what seemed like so many years ago, and just as he thought when he asked her the phrase, he didn't know.

"It means, that my being with you complicates my being chief." As soon as the words were out of his mouth he wanted to snatch them back because the tears that she had been holding back started to roll.

"I'm a complication?" She asked incredulously, and inside she felt herself starting to shred. It was the whole pick me, choose me, debacle all over again; and here she was standing there waiting to be torn into a million pieces because she knew how this dance ended. With him telling her that he was sorry and leaving her to repair her heart yet again. Why couldn't she learn? Why did she continue to repeatedly knock her head against the brick wall? She should have listened to Mark; she should have realized that all Derek and her were ever destined to do was hurt each other. But she had been foolishly naïve that night he offered her his hand and she accepted it and him back into her life. Now, here she was again feeling like there was no air in the room. She closed her eyes because right now she needed to focus and find her inner strength for this next part. She might not walk out of here with Derek, but she sure as hell was going to walk out of here with whatever shred of dignity she could muster.

"No, you're not a complication Meredith this situation is complicated," Derek sighed as he ran his hands through his hair for the umpteenth million time. "I just don't know what to do."

"No Derek, the situation is not complicated; in fact I think it's ridiculously easy, you chose the relationship." She echoed Bailey's earlier words back to Derek and he cringed.

"It's not that simple Meredith", she cut him off "yes it is Derek, at the end of the day what's a job going to give you? Is it going to be there for you on the bad days for you to vent? Is it going to be there to celebrate your victories? No it's not."

Suddenly he was angry with her and he didn't hold back.

"No it's not Meredith, but a job can't decide to be selfish and give up and leave your world in a tailspin, it can't leave you in so much pain that you would gladly welcome oblivion."

Just like that they were no longer discussing the current problem, no he had just opened another can of worms that had been carefully placed up on the shelf out of eyesight so as not to tempt fate to open them, but once again fate decided to intervene.

Meredith reeled back as though he had physically slapped her; this wasn't what she was expecting when he told her that they needed to talk. Sure she knew that it wouldn't be good; but this, this was the epitome of bad. Once the phrase had left his mouth her good friend denial decided that maybe it had overstayed it's welcome and hurriedly packed it bags and took off out the door leaving it open for the ever annoying reality to come in with a hurricane force.

He hadn't meant for it to come out like that, like it was an accusation but it had. Now it hung in the air between them like some invisible barrier, and it was either now or never that they were going to get through it once and for all.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that we're not talking about your being chief anymore, are we?"

Derek didn't know how to answer that, so he just stood there, waiting for her to answer his earlier accusation.

"Right, I don't suppose one more apology is going to make a difference in the grand scheme of things, is it?"

"It's not about apologies Meredith,"

"No, you're right Derek it's not. It's about trust and communication; something we seem to have been sorely lacking in this relationship for sometime. I've told you time and again since the incident Derek that I was sorry. That I felt incredibly stupid about all the intimacy issues that I let rule my life; and I have been trying to be more open with you, but it's not enough Derek because you still can't trust me to actually open up to me. I also know that you're still afraid, and I get that I really do; I mean I know that I have been overcompensating with the whole bright and shining and paint with all the colors of the wind thing, but I also know that I am dark and twisty and that it's my thing. As well as drinking tequila and sleeping with inappropriate men, but those never brought me to the edge of death. I've learned to accept these things about myself, and if you can't accept them then I guess that you can't actually love me because when you truly love someone you love all of them including their faults Derek, you don't just get to pick and choose."

Derek could physically feel the color draining from his face as she told him that she didn't believe he actually loved her. Didn't she know? Didn't she know that it wasn't that simple, that the reason he was so afraid was because he loved her so much that the thought of her not being there caused him physical pain. Maybe it was just the fairytale idealism that left most people shaking there heads at Derek, but he believed that the tiny woman sitting in front of him was truly the other half of his soul and that if she wasn't there then the world might as well end because everything will have lost meaning. So why then did he have such a hard time with this decision? He should have been able to realize that it would always be Meredith first and foremost but then he remembered the pain that day that he had pulled her from the water. If he was truthful with himself he would know that choosing to be Chief would mean he would not fully have to put himself on the line when it came to this woman; and as long as she was still there for him to see, if not touch then he would gladly take that over risking losing her again to her demons.

"I need to understand Meredith; I need to know why we weren't enough, why I wasn't enough to keep you from giving up? Maybe it's foolish of me, but I truly believed that I was your knight in shining whatever and I didn't know what to do when you wouldn't let me help you; why didn't you trust me enough, then, to tell me what was going on?" His voice shook with all the emotions swirling in his mind.

She heard his voice crack as he asked her and she wanted to do nothing more than to just take him in her arms and comfort him, but she couldn't. She had to try to find the words to make this right, to make him understand that it was never about him but about her.

"I did try to come to you Derek, the day that my mother was lucid, but you dismissed me. I knew then that she had said something to you, and realized that maybe I had to help myself before I could ask you, or anyone for that matter, for help."

"You could have made me listen"

"No I couldn't, and by the time that you were willing to listen I had already convinced myself that maybe my mother was right. Maybe all I would ever be would be ordinary, and I knew that I would always be a disappointment to her no matter what I tried. So I let the anger get the best of me and I went back to see her after you dismissed me and told her that it was her fault that I was ordinary and unfocussed and that regardless of whether or not she wanted the surgery it wasn't her choice, it was mine; and my killing my own mother was not going to be another thing that just happened to me. But that wasn't why I wanted her to have the surgery, and when I went back to tell her that the reason that I wanted her to have the surgery was because I believed that there would be a cure to Alzheimer's and we would finally have a chance to get to know each other; but of course fate always liked to kick me when I'm down and she was gone again. When I realized what the last thing I had said to my mother when she was lucid was, I literally was disgusted with myself. Then there was you after, apologizing and trying to be comforting but it made me feel like a fraud, and the more you tried to reach me, the more I felt like it was wrong. I'm like a disease Derek, it seems like everything in my life I infect and you, you are like this bright spot in my universe but I knew it was only a matter of time before I infected you too. You need to know Derek, when I was first knocked into the water, I did fight. It was because of you that I fought but then I heard this little voice whisper that maybe this was the universe's way of giving us an out. What we have is something indescribable, but I'm still me Derek and it would only be a matter of time before the inevitable happened and I would end up hurting you, I didn't want that, so I finally decided to let the universe have its way and I stopped swimming."

Derek felt sympathy when Meredith began her explanation, but now, now he felt anger. "You didn't want to hurt me? How can you even believe something as ridiculous as that Meredith? Didn't you think that you being dead would hurt? I LOVE YOU! Why can't you understand that? Why do you sell yourself short, or even us for that matter? I know you had a crappy time growing up with your mother, but that isn't an excuse, not when I've been here trying to help you, even save you from yourself."

"I didn't want to be saved Derek, which was the point. Crappy doesn't even begin to cover what my life has been. My father left when I was 5 years old, I had a mother that resented me for even existing because it was supposedly my fault that she never got her chance at her happily ever after. I fall in love with a guy, only to have his wife show up and here's the real kicker; when I actually admit to him that I love him, he still chooses her. Add to that the fact that the same guy tells me we can be friends only to call me a whore because he thinks that I slept with our vet and I'm thinking that some people might consider my life a little worse than crappy. You know what the worst part is? I was dead, as in go into the light and finally have some peace dead, but I couldn't because I knew that I had made the most stupid decision and that just the little amount of time we had together wasn't enough, I wanted more, so I fought and I came back FOR YOU! So you know what the truth is Derek? It's that if you can stand there and tell me that you think our relationship complicates you being chief, then we both should realize that maybe we shouldn't be in this relationship."

With that said Meredith jumped down from her position and walked right past Derek who had stopped pacing and headed straight out the door. It wasn't until Derek heard he jeep start that he was able to move and all he could do was sit down and put his head in his hands. What had he done? He had just hurt the woman whom he had sworn he would never hurt again if only God would let her come back to him. So the first thing he does when he has her back, tell her she complicates things, really, really smart. What was he supposed to do now? She had given him answers, more than he thought he would ever get, and halfway through them his mind registered the fact that it was never about Meredith complicating things, it was always him; and he wanted it to stop. With that thought Derek stood up and rushed out the door to his car, he had to apologize and make this right, he had to make sure that she knew that he loved her and that he was wrong, and that they could still have their happily ever after. As he drove down the path to the highway he thought about where she was heading. At first he thought she might go home, but then he thought again and remembered that when Meredith was hurt she had that habit of reaching for that self-destruct button that he had come to know so well. There was only one place she could be headed and that was Joe's, he stepped on the accelerator hoping to get there before she did something that they both would regret.

Seriously, SERIOUSLY, she still couldn't believe that he had stood there and told her that their relationship complicated things. First off, really, was it her fault that the chief made that stupid promise to her mother, no. She never asked her mother, or the chief for that matter to protect her. She was a grown woman; she could handle things herself. "Sure, because you've done so well in that aspect as of late" her little voice said. She quashed it down with a firm shut up and then actually laughed at herself. That's the way to convince everyone that you're not crazy and can handle things, start having verbal arguments with yourself. She needed tequila! Ah, lovely tequila, sure it didn't write or call, but it never left you feeling alone or unwanted. O.k. so maybe sometimes it did but that was beside the point, tequila could make you numb and make it fuzzy and easy to forget that life seems to have painted a bulls eye on Meredith Grey's back for the fates to keep taking shots at. It was a good thing that she knew the route to Joe's so well because she had no doubt that with her current level of concentration she could have wound up in Canada if she didn't.

By the time she arrived at Joe's it was already nearing 11 o'clock and she could tell that the night crowd was already starting to form. She took a quick look around the parking lot as she pulled in; just to make sure none of her friends were there and thankfully they weren't. It wasn't that Meredith didn't like hanging out drinking with her friends, but this night just seemed to have an uncanny resemblance to the night spent with her friends pitying her as she waited for Derek to decide; and as much as she loved them; she didn't think she could take those looks right now, so without another thought she was out of the jeep and into the bar. It was busy, but that was fine with her, it just meant that it would be easier to blend in with the mass in case someone she did know just happened into the bar. She made her way up to the bar and actually found her stool empty, as though someone had known that this night was going to be horrible and they wanted to make sure that she was able to deal with it her way. She quickly took a seat and motioned Joe over.

"Hey beautiful, long time no see, what can I get you?"

"Unless you have a time machine I could borrow, I'll take a tequila and you might as well leave the bottle here."

"That bad of night, you sure you wouldn't rather talk?"

"No Joe, I'm all talked out at this point, but if you could set me up with me friend Jose, I would be forever grateful."

Joe looked at her for a second, taking in her appearance; she looked tired, pale and he didn't miss the fact that her eyes were red from crying. He just shook his head and reached around to grab a shot glass and the bottle of Tequila.

"I'll make you a trade, this bottle for your keys."

She chuckled as she reached into her pocket for said keys to give to Joe. He was a good guy; Walter was lucky to have him.

"I'd give you my soul if it meant getting me that bottle faster" she said as she placed her keys in his hands.

"So what'd he do this time?" He asked as he placed her keys in his pants pockets and proceeded to wipe the bar. He knew her, and if she didn't tell him now; it would be in about 3 shots that she'd be spilling everything but he still had to try. She seemed like a nice kid, and from what he knew of things, life hadn't been kind, but here she was pushing through as she always did. He seemed to have a soft spot when it came to this group of interns; soon to be residents.

"What makes you so sure that there is a he involved?" Shot number one trailed down her throat as though it was nothing more than a sip of water, and she hurried to pour herself another shot.

"There's always a he, unless that is of course you've switched to a she?"

She nearly choked on her second shot as Joe made that comment.

"No Joe, it's still a he, not that there would be anything wrong with it if it were a she, but for me it is definitely a he." She made a funny face as though trying to make sure that what she had said just made sense. She just wanted to make sure that she hadn't offended Joe, but judging by his smile she hadn't.

"Then, back to the original question, what did he do?"

Before she had a chance to answer, Joe was being pulled away, and she was left to sit there and think about what he said. What exactly was Meredith angry about; it was more than just being considered a complication, but what was it exactly? She was on to shot three to contemplate this when a hand came to rest on her shoulder.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite dirty mistress, you know you never did get me that other beer, but I'll forgive you if you join me at that table over there."

"What if I say no?"

"It's simple, you won't"

His arrogance at that moment reminded Meredith of when she had first met Derek sitting at this exact same spot. She missed those days of carefree flirting, now all it seemed to be was serious angst. She shook her head and looked back to Mark.

"Fine but you can get your own drink, I'm not your servant." She slipped off her stool and headed over to the table with the tequila and shot glass firmly clutched in her hand to wait for him.

After a few minutes he joined her at the table. He waited for her to start the conversation but after her taking 2 more shots and not making any move to say anything he decided he would start.

"So, what's wrong with you and Derek?"

"Nothing, why do you think there's something wrong?"

He gave her a McSteamy look as she called them and stated as a matter of fact "There's always something wrong with you and Derek. It's like the universal rule of karma. Once a dirty mistress is close to getting what they want the universe is gonna thumb its nose at you."

"Really, you know that it's been a while since either of us were the dirty mistress. Why can't we get a break?"

"Like I said kid, karma; so judging by the fact that you're drinking that tequila like its water everything's not so great in paradise?"

She looked at him, and for once was surprised to see that he actually seemed genuine.

"Since when did Mark Sloane become a concerned gentleman? I thought it was his mission to get as many women in to bed that the night would allow?"

"You wound me" he laughed "when I see my fellow dirty mistress unhappy it makes me want to put a smile on her face, and besides one of my best ways to put a smile on a woman's face is between the sheets, and if that's the case; so much the better. I bet we could learn a thing or two from each other." He wiggled his eyebrows at her.

She couldn't help it, she laughed and he laughed right along with her.

"He told me that I complicate his becoming Chief." She didn't look at Mark as she said it, she didn't want to see the pity so she just continued to stare at the tabletop.

"O.K. that's something I'm thinking isn't what you want to hear as the girlfriend."

She looked up as he said it and was surprised to find no pity in his gaze.

"No not really. I mean, I know that he has always dreamt of being Chief, I understand it. I also know that we've had some problems, but I thought that we were finally getting our chance, you know."

Mark did understand, it was the same reason that he had made the bet with Addison; he just wanted a chance to prove to her that they could be one of those couples. He looked up and he seen Derek walk into the bar, he hadn't seen him with Meredith yet but he had a feeling that no good would come of it. An idea came to him, as he seen Derek notice them and start moving towards them.

"So what do you want Meredith, what would you say to him if he were here right now?"

She thoughtfully chewed on her lip, and she didn't notice Derek behind her. Derek had heard what Mark had said and was curious to know the answer himself.

"God, this is going to sound so pathetic Mark; but its Derek. It's always been him since I woke up that morning and tossed the pillow on his cute and naked ass."

"Thanks so much for that wonderful mental image, now I'm going to have to get drunk just to be able to sleep." He couldn't help but notice the grin on Derek's face, he seen Meredith take another shot and was surprised that she hadn't noticed Derek yet.

"So that's who you want Meredith, but the question was what do you want?"

"I want him to know that I understand what it means to have dreams, and I know how important they are. I want him to know that I would support him in whatever he chose to do; even if it means our no longer being together, than I could accept it so long as I know that he is happy. Don't get me wrong, I don't want us to be apart but if that's what it takes for him to be happy then I would do it, no questions asked. However, what I would really like is for Derek to realize that sometimes dreams can change as life changes. I mean what was once so important might become meaningless when compared to the reality. Look at me, I always thought the one thing I wanted in my life was to be a successful surgeon to prove my mother wrong about me; not the most noble thing I know but that's who I was. Now though, I find myself curious about the future. I've never told anyone this, but the day at the ferry, Derek asked me something about marriage and I just brushed it off; since then though I've been thinking. Truth is, one day I would like to do the whole married with 2.5 kids, I know it's insane and if anybody had ever told me when I was younger that I would want it I would have laughed in their face because I never wanted to chance becoming my mother. It was my worst fear, to make someone feel like I did growing up, but when I'm with Derek I realize that he makes me better than that; he gives me strength to know that I can do whatever. As cheesy as it sounds, I know that as long as he loves me I'm going to be alright. I know the epiphany came a little late, but at least it came you know?"

Mark just shook his head, it's all he could do after hearing her heartfelt confession, and he swore to himself that if Derek didn't get his act together they were going to be having a little chat that involved not so much talking as him hitting Derek repeatedly. He simply looked at Derek as to say, "So what are you going to do now?"

Derek stood there unable to move as he heard her confession. Part of him hated the fact that it was Mark that she was confessing to but he had to remind himself that he had been the one to make her feel that she couldn't come to him. At least he took solace in the fact that she was actually opening up, now he just had to make sure that she would open up to him again. He cleared his throat; and she turned around, groaned and laid her head on the table.

He heard her muffled "how long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to know that I was being a completely unfair jerk."

"Not going to hear me argue." She said as she lifted her head, then she looked straight at Mark and said "and you knew he was there and you didn't say anything? I thought we dirty mistresses stuck together?"

"We do, but we can also help each other when we need it; even if we don't know we do. Now I am going to find a nice hot piece of tail because this is getting to feel like too much of a chick moment, and Mark Sloane does not do chick moments." He excused himself, sure he couldn't actually have sex, but that didn't mean he couldn't at least flirt, he was Mark Sloane and he had a reputation to think about.

Derek took the seat that Mark had vacated and looked at Meredith. All she did was sigh and go to pour herself another shot. He stilled her hand; "you know I think you've had enough."

"Really sure I didn't ask you what you thought." She said as she snatched her hand away to place it in her lap.

"No, you're right you didn't; but maybe you could ask me now?"

"Why bother Derek, I already know your thoughts which is why I came here in the first place. So if you don't want to sit here and drink with me, there's the door I know very well that you know how to use it."

"I deserve that, actually I deserve more than that, but I'm not leaving because I need to talk, and I need you to listen."

She went to make a sound of protest but he cut her off with a "please." The fact that it sounded almost like he was pleading helped her to keep her mouth closed.

He took her silence to mean that she was going to listen.

"You were right, we haven't had trust or been communicating for a long time, and it needs to stop. It's not your fault Meredith; it's mine. See, I know you've never done this before, and yet I expect you to understand. I'm sorry; I'm sorry that I told you that I would be there no matter what only to turn around and disappear the moment things got a little rocky. Truth is Meredith; I don't think I've ever really been in a relationship like this before. I know there was Addison, but Addison never made me feel passion the way that you do. I may have loved Addison, but with you Meredith, love doesn't even begin to describe my feelings. The only term I can come up with is soul mates; and I know that it sounds incredibly corny to you; but it's true. It's like you're the other half of me that I never knew I was missing until I found you. I feel your pain as though it were my own, and when you're happy nothing else matters other than keeping that smile on your face. There is no other feeling like this in the world."

He reached his hand across the table and she hesitantly gave him her hand. He just held it, brushing his fingers against her knuckles, sending little shivers down her spine. He seen the tears in her eyes, but he just kept on.

"You scare me Meredith because you have so much power over me. That day that I pulled you from the water…" He trailed off as images flashed through his head from that day, but he felt her give his hand a squeeze to urge him to continue.

"That day I spent the scariest hour of my life trying to breathe for you, nothing else mattered other than making sure that there was air going into your body. When we got to the hospital and they forced me to leave you I broke down. All I could do was sit there and think about all the time that I had wasted and I knew that I had no one else to blame but myself. I don't know if I believed in a higher being, but on that day I prayed to anyone that would listen. All of a sudden I had to get out of there, I couldn't just sit there and wait for Bailey to come out and give me that look, the one that all doctors have just before they shatter your world. So I went to see your mother; I thought that if I couldn't be with you then I could be with someone who was a piece of you. When she woke up I couldn't contain my anger so I lashed out and told her it was her fault, I'm not proud of it but I just had to do something and here was this woman who had the most wonderful daughter and instead of appreciating her she told her she was ordinary, and I was angry because I knew how much it hurt you, even if you wouldn't admit it to me. When I left her room I heard her heart stop, and I rushed back in because I couldn't stand the thought of you waking up and me having to tell you that your mother had died. Please believe me Meredith, I did everything I could to save her, but it was too late."

Derek paused to take a breath, reliving that day took a lot out of him and as he sat there he could see the emotions flashing across Meredith's face; sadness, regret, and unbelievably understanding.

"I know you did everything you could Derek; there was nothing to be done. Don't you dare doubt yourself over that, she had a heart condition that should have been fixed but with the disaster it got pushed back. He got an incredulous look on his face, but she continued.

"The fact that my mother is dead, I don't know how to feel about that. I know we didn't have a good relationship, and I wish that we could have had a chance to fix it, but the fact of the matter is you couldn't change her anymore than you could change me. So I guess I take comfort in the fact that maybe she has the peace that she never got to have in life now, or maybe I'm just drunk and being philosophical; either way I accept the fact that she's gone, just like you have to accept the fact that you did everything you could and still couldn't save her. I know you Derek, and no matter what, when there's someone's life in question you would never do anything less than go above and beyond."

Her words settled over him and soothed him and he could feel his guilt lessening, she was such an amazing woman, he realized. He knew he had to finish getting everything off his chest before he could even consider asking her to forgive him.

"Sometimes I think you have too much faith in me, and not enough in yourself." He sighed again before he continued. "After I called time of death I received a 911 page from Bailey. My hearts literally stopped because I thought that she wanted to tell me you were gone, so instead of rushing down there I made my way to an on call room. I shouldn't have, but I just wanted to hide, to pretend that if she couldn't find me then I could believe that you were safe at home and not lying cold somewhere in the hospital."

She had always wondered why it was Christina at her side when she regained consciousness and not Derek. It's not that she wasn't happy to see her person; she was. It was just that Denny's words kept ringing in her ears about Derek and she wanted to see him to make sure that she hadn't screwed up so badly. When he wasn't there, she was afraid of what it meant, but didn't dwell on it because for some reason it was like she had picked up an inner peace that made her believe that everything was going to be ok.

"Eventually Bailey found me, and told me that you were alive and they were taking you to a private room. The words had no sooner left her mouth and I was out the door to you, she had to yell your room number because I had forgot to ask. It was surreal standing in your doorway watching you sleep; it was as though that morning had never happened, but it had and I was restraining myself from going in to wake you up because I was so desperate to see your beautiful eyes. Then you woke up and all it took was a "hey" and it put my world back on its axis. As I said before, I'm scared Meredith because you have this power over me, and as much as I might want to pretend that I'm ok with having lost you; I can't anymore. I was hurt and angry with you for giving up, but I was terrified to say anything because I thought that it might send you back over the edge just as you were finally finding your footing. So I kept it to myself mostly, I contented myself with the fact that if I kept an eye on you then nothing would happen. But when you told me I was hovering I realized that I can't always be with you, and I can't keep trying to breathe for you."

To say that she was shocked at his admission would be a huge understatement. What did he mean by I can't keep breathing for you?

"I'm not asking you to breathe for me Derek; all I'm asking is for you to trust me. So this is what it comes down to, you have to choose whether or not you can trust me again."

Derek looked at her and saw the fear in her eyes and felt his heart break. He knew what it took for her to say that. Whether he had realized it at that point or not he had made up his mind regarding Chief. Meredith and Bailey were right. It was always the person, and if he were honest with himself he would admit that he had known it all along but had let his fear control his actions.

"There's no choice Meredith, that's why I've been telling you this, I want you. I've been letting my fear control me and I'm done; I'm not running anymore. It's always been you since I woke up on your floor that morning and found that sexy black bra."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing; she was half tempted to ask him to pinch her because she was sure this was a dream. She wanted to kiss him, hell she wanted to do a lot more than kiss him; but she was painfully aware that they were in a public place. She leaned over and whispered in his ear.

"Why don't' we take this discussion to a more private place." She ran her tongue lightly over his ear to make sure he got the point.

It took all his self-control not to take her right there; he stood up and quickly grasped her hands in his. He hollered to Joe to put the drinks on his tab and they made their way quickly to the door. Neither noticed Mark watch them leave with a smile on his face. Sometimes things did work out for the dirty mistresses; he only hoped his situation would end as happily.

It was raining as they headed outside when Derek remembered that they hadn't come together. He didn't want to have to separate from her for more than was absolutely necessary right now, so he held her hand and pulled her to his car.

"Derek, I need to get my car."

"No, you need to come with me because you've been drinking and we can get your car tomorrow."

She could have argued with him, she knew that her buzz had worn off long ago and she was fine to drive, but she didn't want to. She wanted his company just as much as he wanted hers. As they got into his car a thought occurred to Meredith. Not a happy one either, and while she wanted to ignore and just enjoy the bliss that was her and Derek she knew that she couldn't dive headfirst into this relationship again without talking to Derek about it.

"Derek there's still something we need to talk about."

"What, about who's on top; I say we take turns tonight because I plan on there being a few encore performances."

She blushed at his statement. "Not that, but I just may hold you to that idea; I mean what about being Chief. You said Richard told you that you wouldn't be chief if you were with me."

Derek had forgotten that in the midst of panicking about losing Meredith.

"Then I'm not going to be chief, am I?"

He said it so matter of fact that it sounded to Meredith as though he were commenting on the weather; not talking about losing his life long dream.

"But it's your dream Derek, are you sure that you just want to give it up? I know how important it is to you and I don't want to be the one that ruins your dreams."

"How can you think you're ruining my dreams? You were right in what you said earlier to Mark, dreams change. Being Chief had been my goal for so long, but I hadn't really thought about why I wanted to be Chief. When I was with Addison in New York I didn't realize that I was missing something. I just thought that everyone had this need to accomplish something in order to feel complete, so I put my heart and soul into being Chief. I realize now that I'm with you; I don't need that anymore. You give me more than being Chief ever could. So I guess what my dream is now is to be with you as long as you'll still have me."

She didn't know why she deserved Derek Shepherd, but she knew that she was going to do everything in her power to make sure that she would never lose him or herself again.

"The only way I'll have you is if you get to your trailer now because naked Meredith wants to come out and play." She giggled as she took in his expression.

"Trust me I want naked Meredith to come out and play just as much as you do." He flashed her his McDreamy smile. "Besides we have the rest of our lives to play together."

She didn't get a chance to reply; as a pair of headlights coming straight at them froze her. Derek tried to swerve but the road was slick with rain and all the car did was turn so that it was Meredith's side that was impacted, and not head on. Suddenly time slowed to a crawl as he watched the truck plow into Meredith. Just like that time lurched back into motion and he looked over at Meredith's still body. He wanted to do nothing more than pull her from her seat but the doctor in him knew that should never be done. So he reached across to grasp her hand.

"Meredith, Meredith, I need you to open your eyes and tell me where it hurts, okay baby." It was then he looked at his arm that he finally noticed the gash. But that didn't matter; all that mattered was that Meredith was pinned in the car and not responding. He was panicking as he continued to try and get her to respond.

She finally opened her eyes and looked at Derek. "Oh, thank God" He reached over to push her hair back out of her face and wipe the blood that was trailing into her eyes.

"Ouch, what happened?"

"Some guy must have lost control and he hit us. Where does it hurt?"

"All over" she almost chuckled but instead wound up coughing and wincing. She looked at Derek alarmed when she noticed that she had coughed blood. That was never a good sign.

Derek had seen her getting scared and tried to keep himself calm for her. "I'm sure that the emergency crews have already been called, they'll be here any minute. We just have to hang tight and then we'll be out of here. You have to stay awake, alright?"

She nodded but didn't say anything. After a minute Derek noticed her eyes drooping "Meredith, I need you to stay awake, listen to my voice ok?"

She looked at him and he seen the expression clear as day, she was giving up. He started to get frantic. "Remember when you told me that there was a line and then I offered to get you a marker and instead you wound up kissing me. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. "I remember." She said it so quietly Derek had to strain to hear her. His heart fell at her next words; "I'm sorry Derek, I'm just so tired."

No! They hadn't come to this point to loose everything again; life wasn't that cruel. But as he looked at her face his heart broke because he knew what was going to happen next. He leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her lips and he saw her tears.

"I love you Meredith, for now and always."

"I love you too Derek. I'm scared."

He had to be strong; he couldn't break down because she needed him to do this one last thing for her.

"There's no reason to be scared Mer." He had to choke back the sob that threatened to come out. "You can close your eyes and know that I will always be there. No matter what I will always find you. Do you trust me?"

"Of course."

"Then trust me to know that everything is going to be alright, and we're going to get our happily ever after."

"Promise?"

She had her eyes closed at this point and Derek struggled not to let his voice break.

"I promise"

"I am kind of tired."

"Then go to sleep Meredith, and I'll see you in your dreams."

She mumbled something that Derek didn't understand, but he just sat there running his hands through her hair and watching her chest rise and fall unsteadily until it no longer did. He knew the moment that her heart stopped beating and he finally gave in to his sobs.

"Derek, wake up!"

He bolted upright in bed trying to get his bearings. Hadn't he just been in his car? As he looked around he realized he was back in his trailer and it took a moment to realize that it had all been a dream, no correction; nightmare. His heart was still beating frantically in his chest, but as he looked to his side and saw Meredith; alive and well, he pulled her into his arms and crushed her to him.

"Derek, need to breathe!"

He let her go slightly as she regarded him with a questioning look.

"Care to tell me what that was all about?"

Instead of an answer Derek kissed her. He teased her lips with his tongue until she allowed him access. It wasn't just another kiss; it was a way for him to be sure that this was real and that the nightmare hadn't really happened. As he pulled away he memorized Meredith's contented face.

"Not that I don't like the kissing, more kissing I say; but that didn't answer my question."

"I don't want to talk about it right now. All I want to do is lay here with you and just enjoy us being together." He went to pull her back down to bed but she stubbornly remained sitting upright.

"Rules"

Derek shook his head, "What rules?"

"We need rules so that we're on the same page."

"I see, so you want to set rules?"

"Yes" She quickly looked around as if she was waiting for something.

"Meredith, what are you dong?"

"Last time we tried to make rules, your wife showed up; I'm just waiting to make sure there isn't going to be a repeat."

"There are no other wives Meredith; only incredibly hot girlfriends who are torturing me by making me wait so that we can make rules."

She was absolutely adorable when she pouted.

"No rules, no sex"

Oh this was going to be interesting.


End file.
